so much water . . . .
I have a friend whose Instagram handle is “treading water”.
I smiled when I saw it the first time. She has four young children and I understood the sentiment all too well.
As I was pushing the pictures up on my phone this week and saw her name pop up, I thought of that title once more. Treading water.
Yes. It’s a little less funny to me right now though.
That’s precisely what I feel as if I am doing.
Treading water.
I mean, barely.
Treading water but just hardly keeping my head up above the current and swallowing an awful lot of water and gasping for quite a bit of breath.
Treading water.
A little numb maybe even.
A friend asked me this week, “Are you feeling lonely?” and I had to think about it.
No. I don’t think so. Yes. Kind of. Not really. I’m not so sure.
Treading water.
Because, honestly, all of those are true. Sort of.
Can you feel the vague? The limbo? Can you sense it with me?
I’ve spent a year in some sort of Forced Movement.
A propulsion quite out of my control.
A conveyor belt and right in the middle was plopped me and my circumstances and my life.
And now. Well. There’s less compulsion. Less conveyor belt.
Maybe a bridge?
Passing from Past to Future. Or something lots less distinct and profound.
I’m not entirely sure.
Hence the water treading.
Maybe barren is a good word choice.
I can’t call it acceptance.
Is there another word?
There’s the daily Waking Up.
The coming back to your senses.
That surreal every morning sensation of rising from the deep,
surfacing from the water.
The strong pull to stay horizontal and to Avoid, Delay, Put Off.
And there’s the Going To Sleep too.
The closing of eyes.
Giving up and giving in to what the night and free thought and the vulnerability of rest could mean.
There’s the In Between Closing Eyes And Waking Up.
The dreams bizarre and uninvited at best.
Haunting on occasion.
There’s all the In-between We Call The Day.
The decisions and the surprises.
What will the next hour and the next text bring to me?
What new gift or burden to side step, endure, embrace?
There’s just so much water to tread, you guys.
6 Comments
Amy Holmes
Whenever I hear, “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” I curl my toes into my shoes to try and transfer the irritation so that it won’t show on my face. Of course God will give us more than we can handle. Otherwise, we would be able to rely completely on ourselves. Your words remind me of the Apostle Paul in 2 Cor 1 “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.” Thank you for being real, like Paul. It is refreshing to hear someone not afraid to say it. I am lifting you up (even though I haven’t seen you in 20 some odd years).
laceykeigley
Thank you!
And yes – makes me feel insane to hear some of those cliche phrases that are supposed to help but never do.
d powell
finally got my head above water but the water is still there.. .. it’s called Paradise Lost.
Sandy
There is so much water to tread…and I am not minimizing that for you … or me … or anyone else … but I am SO THANKFUL that we tread water with Jesus and community … and not out there all alone!! Hugs!!
laceykeigley
This I know.
And am so grateful for.
nikkie
yes.