transparency: a mixed bag
I am endlessly encouraged by the kind and generous words people place before me – here, in the comments; in parking lots during brief encounters; through early morning texts; in letters (real letters) arriving in my mailbox.
Completely unworthy of the words offered, I find myself humbled and grateful and frankly so thankful for friends (and strangers) who share uplifting words and sentiments, who ask hard questions and wait while I consider my responses.
One word I can never take any genuine credit for, however, is the word transparent.
Transparent.
You know that word?
I recognize that it is offered as a compliment – but the reason I don’t think I can claim any credit for being transparent is simply this.
I don’t know how to be anything else.
Sometimes it would be convenient to be something else.
I stink at Small Talk.
Have you ever met me in a large crowd and tried just talking to me?
You probably thought I was weird or uneducated or suffering from a bout of ADD.
Once we find a common thread, I’m usually good. And chatting with you individually will be far more enjoyable than listening to me try to chat with a group of people.
I ask too many questions and I can’t seem to be content with just saying “fine” when you ask me how I am.
These are not traits that have served me well.
The dark side of transparency can be acting inconsiderate or simple rudeness. It’s the kind of trait that only looks good in certain lights and in certain situations.
(Maybe that’s true of most traits – there’s a flip side to all of them.)
I speak too quickly often. I don’t let words settle and shift in my brain and in my heart before I open my mouth and let them fly.
Transparency can be a curse too I guess.
Yes, it is probably true – people always know what I am thinking. But, the counter to that is – did they even want to know in the first place?
Oh, transparency – what should I do with you?
8 Comments
Marie from Germany
Thank you for always being a fast speaker and challenging my slow working English thinking brain! Seriously: i always enjoyed talking to you and listening to your questions or just your point of view about all different topics in life 🙂
laceykeigley
Ha – I was fast speaking!! Certainly not easy for a newcomer to the language, but man – you kept up just fine! 🙂
And — thank you.
Sara
Oh. Karen.
We are so sisters.
Moderation is a hard word.
laceykeigley
Moderation.
Yikes.
Beth Milbourne
Yes. This. So. Much. Of. This.
I resonate with each word you wrote! In fact, I’ve been called into the office at work twice now for being exactly this! And I don’t know what to do, I refuse to be fake, not that I could if I tried. I vaguely remember a time, way back in college when I was fake, then I met non-fake people and haven’t turned back since.
Thanks for being what you are, it’s beautifully broken, redemption in progress.
laceykeigley
Yes, being fake is something I avoid like the plague as well. (For better or worse, like all other issues.)
“Beautifully broken” – that’s a sweet little phrase.
karen
oh. i get this on every level. i either say too much or nothing at all. transparent or surrounded by walls. neither is good or right. i’ve never been good at the balancing act.
laceykeigley
That blasted middle.
It’s so elusive, isn’t it?