a lovely misery

The juxtaposition of lovely and miserable in this home is hard to ignore.

Example One: The outside door of our bedroom. It opens to the porch. In the spring, in the summer, in the fall – it’s glorious. Waking up to a breeze, an old-fashioned lace curtain swaying, green trees, an inviting porch hammock.

It’s picturesque.

That same door – come winter – doesn’t seal appropriately and causes no end of frigid air to fill our room. Waking up to a breeze of a different nature is so much less inviting.

Example Two: Old-fashioned, beautifully detailed fireplaces in three rooms. Lovely wood.

Completely unusable fire places that are too pretty to cover up, but cause a decorating dilemma.

Example Three:  Original hardwood floors.  Durable.  Filled with character.

Difficult to clean.  Filled with the smells of 112 years of being stepped upon.

That same juxtaposition of lovely and miserable is taking up residence in our lives as well, it seems.

The freedom of being your own boss coupled with the constraints of relying only on your own abilities to create and maintain an acceptable flow of income.

The joys of homeschooling standing right beside the lack of extra energy to pursue more time for writing professionally.

The opportunity of a ten month trip out of the country and the loss of a family member in your every day life for that exact same length of time.

I think maybe that lovely/miserable dichotomy dictates my heart too.

Enthusiasm for my husband to accompany our daughter on her journey.  Dread at being solo parent for two weeks.

Excitement to once again open the doors  to Wildwood Halls of Ivy and a sinking feeling at the thought of routine and regular wake up calls.

Hope for what opportunities might be ahead for our family and fear at what obstacles might have to be overcome first.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise, really.

This in-between living.

This catch-your-breath embrace-what-you-can way of thinking and blinking and breathing.

The tight rope.  The balance beam.

The Right Now and The Forever.