messy

Today was a messy day.

It was destined for a poor start the night before.

I knew it, even as I raced the clock and stayed up later than I knew I should.

I woke up at 5:30 am.

Which is unacceptable to me.

I contemplated being the sort of person who actually gets out of bed at that time.  I tossed and turned.  I thought about turning on the light.  To read.  To do work.  To do something useful. But a wayward son had found his way into my room late last night and I didn’t want to rouse him at that unholy hour.

I remember when I was much younger and working a different job and I would actually have to rise and shine at such a time.  There are many challenges to the homeschool life.  Rising before dawn to get to work on time is not one of them, thank goodness.

In an attempt to do something productive since sleep seemed elusive, I pretended to work by checking some emails, doing a little Instagram work and then I put my head back on the pillow.  I’m not sure any email I sent would make much sense come the dawn.

And then I guess I fell back asleep after all that nonsense and false starting. Then I woke up late and was forced to skip the shower and roll the hair dice.  Making it a messy day on my head as well.  I didn’t teach history today, or Latin.  (Always the first subjects to suffer abandonment when the timing is critical.)

I had extra children at my house today – two of them being my tiny grandsons. 

In bed, I harbored a lot of fears and expectations for the day.  I let myself think I was behind before I even began.  I told myself a handful of lies about my self worth and my accomplishments and my abilities before I even let my feet hit the floor.

It took incredible effort to rally the Discipline of Gratitude.

Some Otto cuddles and kid morning greetings boosted my team spirit a little.  I told the kids where my mind was racing and struggling to engage and offered them a window into the flawed adult who is their momma.

And then, I tried to just let it be.  To just let the day be what the day was going to be. 

I enjoyed a handful of encouraging texts and the sunshine was so warm and bold I could feel it in my bones.  We laughed with our friends and the friends of my kids as we ate lunch together.  I watched Piper be a stellar aunt who tried to stage a mini play this afternoon with her two eager students.  (The one line Maddox had to deliver was, “There’s nothing good on TV – books are better.”)  Apparently her aim as both a director and a playwright is propaganda – but, it was cute.

Sometimes, on this road I’m traveling, so very many things feel wrong that I just have to rest deeply, however briefly, when something feels right.

I didn’t get everything done. But I did get enough done.  And I feel fine about that.  I feel good.  Our family showed up for one another today.  We stacked up another memory of being the house with the fun aunts and uncles.  Maddox told his mom it was “the best day ever”.  He and Porter are a legitimate delight.  When Mosely walked out of her room wearing a Flash t-shirt, Maddox said – “Mosely, I like your shirt.  I have one too.”  

A sweet friend told me that I was a good friend.  And – you know, in this season and for the past four years – I haven’t always felt like a good friend.  I’ve felt so painfully distracted by the chaos of my own life that I feel I have let many of my friends down.  So I’m grateful when it can feel true to be a decent friend to the people who have been such dear friends to me.

I struggle with expectations.  I’ve got so many of them.

I want my days to go a certain way and I wish over and over again that life was more like a math equation where I can put something in and expect the same result out.  I’m terrible at math.  Both for real and with this equation of my days.  

Today started out messy.  I began the day tired and off track.  

But what I put in to the day – turned out to equal something pretty different.

It was a good day.  Messy hair and messy heart and messy kitchen table too.

The people that gathered around it mattered more than any of that mess.

Those numbers shouldn’t add up, but today I’m so thankful that they did.

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