the divorce diaries. entry 4.
I find it bizarre (unsettling) how a title, a life, an entire thing can happen to you, be legitimately forced upon you
and your only choice is to survive or to die.
The label is there.
boom.
I’m sure there are loads of areas where this is true, but I don’t think I’ve fallen under many of them before personally and none so traumatic and dramatic as the hurricane that has been divorce.
Even typing it hurts my fingertips.
I can sincerely say that it feels as if divorce has happened upon me. Has happened to me.
Like a disease. Like a terrible medical prognosis.
Like a death.
And no amount of kicking and screaming and clawing my way out has ever made any difference. Nor has sitting still and being passive.
Nothing matters. Not in a woe-is-me sort of way. More in an I-can’t-stop-this-boulder-falling-down-the-hill-at-my-back kind of way.
It was for real unstoppable.
Now what on earth is a person supposed to do with that?
The feeling is more universal. The feeling of being pushed aside, forced into, a held against your will sort of decision which has been no decision at all.
__________________________
5 Comments
Susie Stebner
Lacey, I daily pray to God for you to make it though each moment, minute, and hour by His grace.
Sunshine
But the pushing aside had placed you and your children in a unique, specially carved out place in the Father’s heart…He is a father to the fatherless, a husband to the husbandless. He takes the position even more visibly that the natural husband/father was intended to possess. And He will never disappoint, leave, abandon, fail, betray. He loves completely.
Sara
I thought about this post, about divorce, about your Hard and mine…
And you know what? All of the Hard I have experienced has come with some measure of my own choice.
It seems…unfair.
I want to lash out. Make right. Fix.
But. There isn’t a fix. (and i know, im not God anyway)
I love you.
I’m sorry.
(all lame. perhaps those who have been in your shoes have better comfort.)
Tab
So wrong in every way! Unfair that one person is able to cause so much unbearable pain.
BUT GOD! He has you and knew this was something He would carry, not you. This isn’t your identity! But I’m aware this is easy to say and not easy to live that truth.
Clinging to His promises and truths for you tonight.
Praying always!
Nikkie
The pushed aside.
That really does suck.
Rotten.
I cannot describe a feeling I’ve known worse than that of being pushed aside and discarded by the one who was supposed to stay.
I am not sure what we are supposed to do with that, Lacey.
I don’t know, exactly.
Except keep pressing on.
Love you, friend.