Chaos

I still hate divorce

 

There’s a word I hear people use when they talk about divorce.

Freedom.

Whether they are implying a freedom for the person leaving the marriage or a freedom for the person being left, I don’t even know.  Or a freedom for both people if they are both looking to leave their marriage.

But I tell you what, from my vantage point, it does not feel like freedom to me.

That seems like the wrong word choice.

It’s not freedom.

It’s a different word entirely.

More like bondage.

All of the best parts of marriage are dead to me now: intimacy, partnership, mutual friends, shared history, someone else to make dinner, tag team parenting, help putting children to bed at night, funny stories from your days, a person who helps carry the load, shared responsibilities, inside jokes.

All of the challenging parts of marriage remain: discussions about money, child rearing issues between two people with wildly different world views.

Divorce seems like a heavier form of bondage.

Marriage is a type of bondage too, I suppose.  A chosen one.  A sweet burden, like parenting.

But divorce is all the ugly bits.  All the leftovers and all the heavy lifting.

I really cannot imagine why it’s worth it.

This brokenness and the weight that it takes.  The weight that is primarily carried on the slim shoulders of the children we birth or adopt into our families.  Despite the fancy words we use or the spin and the double talk and the euphemisms or the studies we fund to try to prove what we want to justify our actions, the largest sufferers by far are the children. 

I’ve rarely heard a person share their life story without tracing their beginnings all the way back to their childhoods.  And they all start out the same ….

When I was a kid ….
In my home, we ….
I was raised in a family that ……
My dad always ……
I can’t recall a time when my mom wasn’t ……..
From the time I was little ……

This is how we all begin.

The common ground.

Our childhoods.

Six children.  I have six children.  I can hardly allow myself to imagine the stories they will tell.  How their future sentences will start.  The stories that I wanted to be true.  The stories that actually are true.  The stories they will believe to be true.

It’s the heaviest weight I have ever felt.

I know it’s not mine to carry.

Wise and kind and gracious women have told me in straight forward language – “Theirs is not your story to decide.”  I cannot forget the words of one counselor, “You do not have permission to know the future of your children.”

I know what they tell me is true.

But I have a tremendously difficult time living as if I believe that.

I want to change their stories, the future words that will flow from the mouths of the six people I love more than any other humans on this entire planet.  I want to FIX all the messy and the sad parts.  I wanted to hear them say, “When I grew up – it felt like we lived a Little House on the Prairie life.”  My children won’t be saying that.  I used to always describe my own mother as Florence Nightingale and my dad as Grizzly Adams when I shared the story of my family to new friends.

You know I still hate divorce.

I hate how it is changing the life story of my children.  Without exception, it is what I despise most about this experience.

 

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25 Comments

  • Robin

    Lacey, I didn’t read above comments, but I would guess others have encouraged you with words that strengthen your faith, yet I desire to add my own heart’s cry: God is BIGGER! Bigger than all the evils that this world can hurl at us.

    Both my husband and myself are from families of divorce, yet God intercepted our lives for our good and his glory. Yes, divorce and all that goes with it may flavor who your children are, but God can and will use even this to shape your children into His perfect plan to serve and glorify him. This part of their “story” will glorify Him and only Him.

    Bob’s parents divorced three times each, my own parents divorced and so did one set of my grandparents, but even before we knew Him, He knew us and was working for our good and His glory. By His grace and goodness, we just celebrated 38 years of faithfulness in marriage. God is BIGGER. You can trust Him and His power to HOLD your children.

    YOU are so loved Lacey.

    • laceykeigley

      Maybe it was this quiet morning when I am reading this comment, who can know?

      But your words brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for taking the time to share them.

      I love the hope and the glory you are giving to God in your own life story. Thank you.

    • laceykeigley

      Oh friend.

      I know.

      Hard on multiple levels I am sure.

      Miss seeing you but love “keeping up” online.

  • Sara

    So many tears bound up in these few words. There seems to be no antidote at all for the truth you have spoken except in the knowing that
    God Himself is bottling those tears and recording your sorrow.

    And in that same much loved chapter, over and over the psalmist reminds you-us-
    “Don’t be afraid. What can man do to me?
    I will trust God. He is for me. I will praise His Name. I trust Him.”

    So much love (and always tears for your great hurt)

  • Amy Bright

    Absolutely.

    Falcon will never know his dad, and my niece and nephew will only be terrorized by theirs.

    I held onto hope for too long out of sadness for an incomplete family for him. I’m fine on my own (although it hurts). The kids are suffering, and I hate it too.

    I’m sorry for you all. I hope the feeling and dread subsides a little, but maybe it doesn’t.

    • laceykeigley

      I know you get it – and I’m sorry too. For the holding out too long and the dysfunction for your nieces and nephews.

      It’s a lot of mess.

      Grateful grateful for a God who restores and heals.

  • Lana

    I hate that you have to go through this. I hate it for all of you. I hate it for my nephew, too. And this may seem odd but I hate it for myself and all my Mom’s parents grandchildren. They divorced after 42 years and have now been dead for 15 and 25 years. It still hurts that they made everyone take sides and split the family. There are no winners. There is just hurt in divorce. Like others have said here, you are so brave and such an awesome Mom. Hugs for you all. I am more sorry than I can express.

  • Angela McKaskle

    God will take this situation and use it…if for nothing else but you to be a shining light to other women who experience the same thing. Divorce IS ugly… It hurts everyone involved, but make it a constructive hurt, and go for goals that you can do as an individual. Love you Lacey!

  • Theresa Gustafson

    Oh! Lacey!

    You’ve painted this ugly picture so well with your words. It’s not abstract or surreal, the words you used are from the heart and are not distorted. It’s a real, clear picture. Divorce is ugly!

    I’ve heard all the excuses for why divorce is the “best solution” for all involved.

    “We’re not in love any more”
    “We’ve both changed”
    “I can’t forgive him”
    “I don’t trust her anymore”
    “The kids are resilient, they’ll be fine”
    And on and on go the excuses…

    Lies!

    My father in-law’s parents divorced when he was an adult; married with kids. It hit him like a boulder. The repercussions of that divorce had a trickle effect on the grandkids as well as the great grandkids. The landscape of family structure was distorted and changed the family tree.
    It wasn’t part of God’s plan.

    However, God is in the business of taking the mess we make, the broken shards and pieces and making something beautiful out of it.

    It’s doesn’t seem possible. It’s hard to see through the fog of despair to the other side.

    Keep looking, keep you eyes on God. He’s working and mending. He’s writing the story, yours and the children. It’s may not be the story you dreamed of or hoped for, but it will be beautiful. The beauty of God’s redemptive work in broken lives.

    I think of you often Lacey. Praying for you as the Lord brings you and the kids to mind. ????

    • laceykeigley

      Thank you Theresa — and I know you speak from your own family’s hard – your own story’s twist and turns and “not as you planned” and I have always watched on to see how you have tackled your family’s struggles and adversities and chosen hope and laughter in the of really impossibly hard situations.

      Thank you.

  • Sherry Musick

    Lacey I am so sorry you have to bear this burden. I have no idea of the reasons why your marriage ended in divorce (and don’t need to know), but I know you and your children didn’t choose this path and I hurt for you. You are right the children ultimately bear the deepest scars. My husband’s parents divorced when he was 11. Fortunately for him and his siblings he lived with a Godly, loving mother who raised them to be fine upstanding human beings. But make no mistake, each of them bears the scars–some deeper than others. Tony still can’t talk about his parents’ divorce–and so we don’t. I hate that I can’t take that hurt away from him . . . but he’s 57 years old and we’ve been married a long time–long enough that if I could “heal him” I would have by now. Keep walking the path the Lord leads you along. The Lord is the ultimate healer.

    • laceykeigley

      I hear you.

      It’s that deep wound that sits so heavy on me – the wound that has a 57 year still not really talking about it. I get it. It’s SO hard.

      And I do believe in hope – for my children. For your husband too.

  • Nichole

    I am a child of divorce, and VERY glad my parents did not stay together. That being said, I’ve been married for 18 years and have a 14 year old. Sometime marriage is fabulous and sometimes it is unsure, scary and broken. I agree with your post about divorce, based on my personal experience now. I agree with your heartfelt words. It’s a beautiful, beautiful post.

    • laceykeigley

      Nichole – thank you for reading and sharing here. Yes – sometimes marriage is all that you said.

  • Jeannie Tilley Stanley

    I’m so sorry, Lacey. I hate divorce, too. I hate that my daughter is pulled between two different families throughout the year. She is used to it, though. It is her life. She is experiencing a different upbringing than I had which makes me extremely sad at my very core. Nothing hurts worse. However, she is happy. She has adjusted. I tell her that she has 2 families and extended families (which really equals 4 families) that love her and dote on her which is more than some people have. I don’t know your children or your personal experiences, but I can see that you are a loving, real mother that sacrifices yourself to make your children’s lives magical, but you also teach them responsibility and love for one another. I can’t help but believe that they know and feel your loving sacrifice for them and they will be able to look back on their childhood as adults and proudly proclaim that they had a beautiful childhood because of their awesome mom that spent time with them, loved them, and made them feel worthy. Press on. Press on. Prayers and love! Jeannie

  • Angel Hall

    Thank you for sharing from your heart. Though my situation is different and not divorce but death, I still hate it. And though I’ve used that word freedom, it’s not really freedom. It’s some type of freedom that feels more like a lie than something that needs celebrated. I also wonder what stories my children will tell of their mother and the years that followed this crazy life altering situation. Thank you for being honest and brave beyond words.

    • laceykeigley

      Oh Angel — I did not know this. I am tremendously sorry to hear this.

      I imagine your children will be standing by you and supporting you. I’m truly just so sad to see this.