Ten Ways To Have A Spotless Home

1.  Never have any children.

Ever.

None.

2.  Also, never allow any children to enter your home.

If, for some unknown reason, you find yourself in a life situation that absolutely makes following the above rules impossible, you can at least implement the remaining guidelines.

3.  Never allow your children to learn to cook.  Keep them out of the kitchen entirely, as a matter of fact.  If they keep creeping back in and trying to learn, treat them as if all they do is make a mess and be certain to non-verbally let them know that they are in your way.  That they are messy.  That you would cook better and tidier and faster if they were not under foot.  You can do this by frowning a lot.  Sighing deeply works as well.  Looking disappointed when they spill something is effective.  (And if you let them in, they will spill something.  Something that cost you money.  Hard-earned money.)  You should actually verbally let them know how much money they are wasting and how much of your time they are wasting.  That’s highly beneficial to keeping them out of the kitchen and keeping you alone in the kitchen.

Shoot, if you work this rule well this will, in fact, be the only rule you’ll need to follow.  It will practically guarantee you twenty years (or more) of absolute silence in the kitchen where you can hear yourself think and prepare all of the meals all of the time all of your life alone.

4.  Never have friends over.  Certainly not for meals.  And especially if those friends have children.  Only go out to eat with friends or visit their houses.  The only way to keep your home pristine is to keep your friends out of it.

5.  Laugh less.  Like – a lot less.  Maybe never.  Yes, laughter can affect the cleanliness of your home.  If you’re jolly and inviting, then you might have a harder time turning friends away from your door.  Be a bit of doomsayer and gloomy Gus.  This will lessen the number of friends who ever just “drop in” and will decrease the likelihood that friends will seek out your abode for hang out sessions.

6.  Insist that every person entering your home takes off their shoes.  Post a sign at your door with instructions and a few facts about the amount of dirt and the number of germs tracked in on our shoes.  Stare at their feet and awkwardly cough until they remove their shoes.  Just in case there is any lingering dirt on their feet or on their socks, follow your guests (or your family members) around your home with a small broom and dust pan – just to get the extra little bits they will inevitably leave behind.

7.  Have extremely uncomfortable furniture.  Yes.  Cramped and unpleasant furniture will guarantee that your guests never relax, thereby exiting your home sooner and allowing your home to resume its pristine tidiness upon their departure.  Another good option here is to cover your furniture in plastic.  You may choose to remove the plastic right before your guests sit down.  Pepper your conversation with phrases like, “Let me move this plastic.  It’s a difficult procedure.  I keep it on the furniture to keep hair particles from damaging the high quality microsuede.  It’s really important to me that my sofa be hair-free.”  Or you may choose to simply leave the plastic covering on the furniture for your guests to hesitantly decide whether they should sit or stand.

8.  Do not allow your children (nor anyone, for that matter) to undertake an art project within the confines of your home.  Perhaps banning glue sticks and scissors, pencils and markers  – and paper – would be advisable in this situation.  Projects are inherently messy.  Instead, encourage your children to watch more television shows and play more video games.  Discourage creative crafting and encourage passive sitting.

9.  Ban all toys and games with small parts.  Legos? No thanks.  Beads?  Forget about it.  Board games?  I don’t think so.  Puzzles?  Are you kidding me?   Tell your kids to give that junk to Good Will and to have a seat on the plastic-covered sofa and think about Legos and beads in their minds instead.

10.  No pets allowed inside.  Seriously.  This is an easy one.  Fido can’t cuddle inside.  Little kitty better not get cozy.  (And she never will – thanks to that living room furniture draped in plastic.)  Place a picture of a kitten on the wall.  Let your children name that poster feline and tell them that’s the only pet that will ever keep itself clean enough to live in your home.