Free,  God's Pursuit of Me

what free cannot be.

January 10, 2011 /

I knew free was going to be a good word for me this year.

When it came to the toss up between free and thrive, I really did feel as if I was making the right choice.

I just didn’t know how quickly into this new year the idea of free would come back to mock me.

Through work and other opportunities, my husband has a lot of overnight trips planned for the month of January.

I think of myself as basically a pretty capable home manager.  (In theory and on paper, at least.)

I handle days fairly well.  (And fairly is a broad term.  Leaves lots of room – you know?)

But as the sun is setting and the dinner time is approaching, I like to rely heavily on the extra crowd control I have in my spouse.

That’s a luxury, I know.

I do not take it for granted.

I know the same cannot be said for every mother and every household – for a myriad of reasons (jobs, relationship issues and on and on).

I do know what it’s like to conquer all day and all night alone.  (Summer camp season sometimes feels like single parenting during the bedtime routine around here.)

Which is why, again, I don’t take the gift for granted.

And which is why the thought of so many evenings and afternoons and mornings and whatnots in my immediate future without back up make me feel . . . uh . . . apprehensive.

Nervous.

Edgy.

Neurotic, even.

A bit like I might suffocate on all the what ifs.

The exact opposite of free.

So I have been worrying a lot.

Thinking about each trip and what I can do to make the days less long.

Jotting down adventure ideas, craft ideas, projects I’ve been wanting to get accomplished.

And worrying.

And, wouldn’t you know it, our family’s memory verse last week had everything to say to me about worry and freedom.

(Oh – these verses – why do they always come back to haunt me?  What? That’s called conviction?  Something to do with the Holy Spirit? )

The verse was Matthew 6:34:  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Simple enough.

I really cannot miss the message here, even if I tried.  (And I might have, okay?)

Worrying will not make the days that Kevin is gone better.

Worrying will not make the what ifs happen.

And worrying will not make the what ifs not happen.

And

more importantly

worrying makes me a slave.

A slave to worry.

And even now I cannot deny the fact

that being a slave

is completely incompatible with being free.

15 Comments

  • seriousbethy

    January 11, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    I understand how you feel. Andy travels a lot and the times when I have to run this family on my own for a week are the most trying. So many good reminders here!

  • Kara

    January 10, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    I agree – I rely heavily on my husband's support in the evenings when he is home (I am spoiled!!) and can have a VERY hard time physically, mentally, and emotionally when he is not able to be here! Matt. 6:34 is a good theme verse for times like those!

  • Jesse Wickstrum

    January 10, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Lacey, my dear sister, you might think to look at the "what ifs" as your source of freedom. It is the freedom of NOT knowing what will happen. Be happy that you cannot know everything that will happen for if you did, you would never been pleasantly surprised when your children are unusually well behaved. If there were no "what ifs" there would be no worry and no reason to have sorrow. And without sorrow, we cannot have happiness as they are relative ideas. One cannot exist without the other.

    Pardon my language but the ban Modest Mouse said it best:

    "As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
    Well, it feels pretty soft to me.
    If it take sh*t to make bliss
    then I feel pretty blissfully!"

  • stephaniekandray.com

    January 10, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    So true. I often find myself a slave to my own thoughts, whether they be worries, anticipation, discontent, really anything but being content with the now.

    I struggle with looking to the future instead of living in the present. We're not guaranteed a future, on earth anyways, and it's silly how often I forget that. I am trying to change my thinking.

    Instead of saying, I just have to get through this day to get to "insert something cool", I need to say, we have this day to do this and this day to do that an then we will have this day to do that "something cool."

    Thanks for sharing!

    • LaceyKeigley

      January 10, 2011 at 4:13 pm

      It is a hard pill to swallow – that discontent in really a sin.
      Because it is such a hard sin to conquer – impossible really to conquer alone.

    • LaceyKeigley

      January 10, 2011 at 4:12 pm

      I know – I must re-read all the time.
      If only I could conquer memorizing those verses better – always appreciate the reminders you post about memorizing.